The Bed Hog Dogifesto

I founded this under the bed. Since my predecessor, Pepsi, was the Founding Member and Presidog, and I now have The Bed, I feel it is my duty (not "doody", Zaph -- sheesh!) to repost this.

As a practicing member of the Bed Hog Extraordinaire Club, I, Piper, bring forth this dogifesto:

We, the doggies who are Bed Hogs Extraordinaires, pledge to uphold the following principles and dogjectives:

1) To take up more space in a bed than is caninely possible. The smaller the bed, the bigger we are.

2) To pull all the blankets off our hoomins so that they freeze and need to snuggle us more for warmth (and thus we get 'ttentions).

3) To deny coveted sleeping positions to c*ts (so that they don't steal 'ttentions).

4) To attempt to sleep on top of our hoomins.

5) To slide down the sides of our hoomins, having failed Dogjective 4, but still achieving Dogjective 2.

6) To scratch in the middle of the night, jingling our collar tags so vigorously that our hoomins dream of flying across the night sky in Santa's sleigh.

7) To bring every single disgusting, slimy, and above all, *smelly* hoofie and pig's ear and toy to bed with us, using them to fragrance the hoomins' pillows to make them smell better.

8) To make a lot of noise upholding Dogjective 3.

9) To make "uh-oh-I'm-gonna-barf" noises at least four times each night, thus having the hoomins wake up in a blind panic during which we doggies get lots of 'ttentions.

10) To push and shove our hoomins so that they are either on the very edge of the bed, or else smooshed up against the wall, or relegate them to a 4"x4" corner, so that we, the Bed Hogs Extraordinaires, occupy the vast majority of the bed.