That Duzzit!

I nose it has been a furry long time since I wrote about my ventures here.

See, not too long after my last post about how to play the hoomin game of golf, Mom decided to go play in traffic.  Acshully, she did efurryfing she was sposta do.  She stopped walking at the corner by the "walk-it here" lines, and waited and looked both ways and efurry moving den wuz stopped.  But then one of them wuzn't, and the driver dint see Mom behind him in between the "walk-it here" lines, and he backed up fast, and he axidentully hit her.  And she went boing into another moving den.  And then we kinda dint blog for two years, waitin' fur her brain stopped shakin' and put itself back together again.  (Mom is mostly okay now -- she wuz just furry glad I wuzn't with her when it happened.)

So, I have been furry patient with Mom.  I dint complain when she brought home this new kitty in Tober 2012 (Her name is Aww-dumb.):

And then I dint complain when Mom brought home this new kitty in Tober 2013 (Her name is Am-brrr.)

Siriusly, hoomins -- that makes four kitties in our den.  FOUR!  If we get enny more than that, I'll need more paws to count them on!  NO MORE KITTIES, MOM!

But the worst insult came today, when I heard Mom talking to Gamma (who is one of my blog's biggest fans, cuz she lubs me).  Mom said she wuz thinkin' of letting Buzz have his own blog!  Buzz!  Now, I like Buzz, cuz he always goes along on our ventures, but Buzz ...?

Well, this is Buzz:

Yes, hoomins.  Buzz is a moving den.

I nose Mom hazn't been feelin' like herself fur a long time (and the fact she's gonna let Buzz have his own blog shows that her brain izn't back to normal yet), but I was here first!  (Well, okay, Zaph was here first, but he and Nero kin write on my blog once inna while iffen they want.)


So I have decided it's time to start writing on my blog again, befur I forget how to type (and befur Buzz gets all the tensions around here).  Daddy kin take the pitchures; I'll just use the pooter when Mom's playing with the stoopid kitties.  So watch dis space, as they say in the pee-papers.

Woof soon! (wagwagwag)

I YAM BACK!

Aroorooroo! I yam back, efurrydoggy! Did you miss me? I'm gonna try to blog more often, cuz Gamma and Ont Merry and Daddy keep sayin' I should, but it's so hard fur me to sit still!

Furst thing I gotta tell you is that there are more than four people living in our house now. There's Daddy, and Mom, and my kitty brudder, Zaphod Beeblebrox. But then Mom and Daddy went to visit Ont Merry one day and came home with THIS:

His name is Nero. Mom named him that because it's the It-al-yan werd fur black. But doan let that little kitty face fool you -- Nero finks he's an emperor. He came to live with us in September and at first hated efurrybody (even Mom -- how can anyfurrycritter hate MOM?!) but finally he got used to us.

And he and Zaph were furends in the beginning, but then Nero hit adull-escence and wanted to be more than furends with Zaph, iffen you nose what I mean. Ennyway, Nero went to the Pretty Lady Vet and she took his boy parts and he's all settled down now, but Zaph still hasn't furgiven him, and so Nero finks he's my new best friend. Which is okay, I guess, as long as he stays outta my spot, leaves my tail alone, and DOESN'T TOUCH MY DADDY!

But Daddy still loves me bestest. (He calls Nero "The Ne-ro-sis.")

Spring is coming and soon I'll be able to find all my tennis balls in the back OUT. The snow has been furry deep this year but Daddy has made sure I get out to play. The beaches where we live are self-cleaning because we're on the Bay of Fun-Day, which has the "highest tides inna world." I dunno what a "tide" is, but I'm furry glad the rocks doan have snow on them! (wagwagwag)

Ennyway, I will be back in a coupla days wif more of my 'ventures! Woof soon!

Hairy Kissmoose!

As soon as I saw the big tree in the livingroom in our den, I knew that it would soon be Kissmoose and prezzies-time! And -- just like I hoped -- Santa Paws CAME!
Santa Paws always wraps my prezzies cuz he knows I like unwrapping gifts just as much as Mom does. (Unlike Mom and Ont Krista when they were mini-hoomins, I acshully wait until Kissmoose to unwrap mine. Of course, the fact that I can't get at them 'til the hoomins fork them over might have sumfin to do with it, too.)
Anyway, Santa Paws brought me a new chewie!
(I love you, Santa Paws! Fangu furry much! And Zaph says fangu too.)
I told Zaph he could come tell you about his new prezzie (a mousie attached by 'lastic to a thing that hangs on a doorknob) but he's become a little bit obsessed. Daddy was furry happy that Zaph liked his prezzie this year, because most years he ignores what Santa Paws brings him. But Daddy thinks he's going to have to hide Zaph's prezzie at night if the hoomins want any sleep!

Daddy laff-barked really hard when Zaph knocked it off the doorknob and scampered down the stairs with his prey. No wonder Daddy calls Zaph "Mighty Hunter!" (I call Zaph "Mighty Stoopid," but that's just my opinion.)

Hairy Kissmoose, efurryone!

Our hoomins have (t)issues.

PIPER: Please excuse the quality of the pitchures fur this post. Zaphod doesn't know how to work a camera.

ZAPHOD: Do so.

PIPER: Do not. (pause) Okay, so I'm teaming up with the walking hairball today because we're a little concerned about our hoomins, Mom and Daddy.

ZAPHOD: I like the pitchure you took of me. You captured my mist-ee-ree-us side.

PIPER: Please stop using words I don't know how to spell without looking them up.

ZAPHOD: Sorry. I keep furgetting that you're not as smart as me.

PIPER: Am so! I even went to school!

ZAPHOD: Yeah, but only because you didn't know to listen to Mom and Daddy in the furst place. Didn't I tell you that you'd get more T*R*E*A*T*S if you did?

PIPER: (snort) Anyway, Mom and Daddy are acting furry weird, because Zaphod got them sick.

ZAPHOD: I did not!

PIPER: Well, they're constantly coughing up hairballs! Haven't you noticed?

ZAPHOD: They aren't coughing up hairballs -- they're barking! Like you! It's your fault. Nice try, Tennis-Ball-Brain!

PIPER: Uh-oh -- you said "tennis ball." I miss my tennis balls! I miss my FETCH. It's been furry nice having them both in bed fur days on end, and the naptime has been furry enjoyable, but ... (whimper)

ZAPHOD: I don't care. As long as they feed me, I'm happy.

PIPER: (appraising Zaph's bulk) Yeah, no kidding.

ZAPHOD: (ignoring the beautiful black and white dog who is typing this and can therefore type what she wants) So, I overheard Mom telling someone she and Daddy have swine flu, and that it got worse and they got throat infections and ear infections, and bronc-eye-tiss, and Mom has new-moan-ia.

PIPER: "Swine," like in "pigs?"

ZAPHOD: And "bronc," as in "horses." Yep. That's what she said.

PIPER: We've got PIGS AND HORSES to compete with for our hoomins' attentions?! And I didn't SMELL them?

ZAPHOD: Yeah, well, if it's not round, fuzzy, day-glo yellow and flying through the air, you don't notice nuthin', Piper. (yawning) As long as I get fed ...

PIPER: Can I chew on your head fur a little while?

This Blog Has Been Cat-Jacked.

Okay, Dog. It's like this: you have chased me from my snooze on the bed one too many times. So while you're harassing Dad to throw the ball for you in the rain and doing your "Gimme Popcorn Dance", I'm posting on your blog.

Dear Blog Readers: Look deep into my eyes. Slowly, you are being drawn into their sea-green depths. Focus on what I'm saying. Fo-cussssss. You're getting sleepy. Your head is getting droopy. Listen the the sound of my purring. You are so relaxed, you will do exactly as I say. You will give me tuna. Anyt--

OOF! PIPER! Get your nose outta my butt!

Canines. Clearly an inferior species.

My Evil Stoopid Kitty Brudder

This is Zaphod Beeblebrox McLean, AKA The Bane of my Dogzistance. Oh, he may look cute here, but don't let that fool you. He is pure evil.

One day Mom was out minding her own business and he insisted on coming home with her. Mom, obviously brainwashed, decided she wanted to keep him, and thought the odds would be better if she let Daddy name him. (Well, she prolly won't be making that boo-boo again!)

Whenever Mom takes a pitchure of Zaph, she has to make sure to not use the flash cuz he glares at her. (I think the flash just picks up his true evil self.)

How is Zaph evil? You want a list?

1. He sprawls on his back on the bed, exposing his big furry tummy and then attacks my head when I stick my nose in there.

2. He gets T*R*E*A*T*S as soon as he gets Mom up efurry morning. I sometimes hafta wait 'til Daddy goes to work. (But sometimes I get both, if I time it right.)

3. He sits on top of things and then launches his hefty self at me as I trot by.

4. Mom loves him. Daddy loves him too (but he loves me better).

5. He coughs up really nummy things on the floor but usually does it loudly enough that the hoomins hear him so it's gone before I can check it out.

Sometimes, though, he'll curl up next to me when I'm napping. Then when I wake up, this is what happens.
But I guess he's not all bad. I do get to herd him when he tries to get OUT, and sometimes he leaves his bits of steak from Daddy fur me to eat. And he can sometimes have a dogliciously stinky butt. And when he runs and hides in the basement, and Mom and Daddy accidentally lock him in down there, I do kinda miss him.

After all, he is my stoopid brudder.

Wrapping Gifts with Cats - from Zaphod

Piper's not up yet, so I've decided to be a guest-blogger since she has left you for so long. ... NO, PIPER, I AM NOT HIJACKING YOUR BLOG! NOW STOP TRYING TO GET OUT OF THE WASHER!

... Ahem.

Purrs,
Zaphod

WRAPPING GIFTS WITH CATS

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.

2. Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.

3. Open door and remove cat from closet.

4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.

5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.

6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.

7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.

8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string.

9. Remove present from bag.

10. Remove cat from bag.

11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.

12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.

13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.

14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore paper.

15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present came out of.

16. Place present onto now-properly-sized paper.

17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don't reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry.

18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent sticky tape.

19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.

20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.

21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.

22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.

23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's enthusiasm in chasing ribbon.

24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.

25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right size for sheet of paper.

26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.

27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.

28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room.

29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.

30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and re-lock.

31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the small area of the bathroom, but try your best!)

32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas.

33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on making good of a bad job.

34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.

35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion.

36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.

37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is locked.

38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's face, as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present.

39. Vow to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap the thing for you.